Some Thoughts on Chastity

It has been nearly three full weeks since I last had an orgasm, and unless my wife lets me have an orgasm this weekend (unlikely), this will be the longest I have gone without orgasm in quite some time.

As I mentioned before, my wife does not allow me to wear a chastity device, for two reasons. First, she wants me to remain chaste using only my willpower. She believes that forcing me to own my chastity and take responsibility for my behavior will make me more submissive. I certainly think it has. Second, she wants to be able to touch me and tease me whenever she wants.

She has put me in the habit of not playing with myself, to the extent that it feels strange to do so when she tells me to tease myself. But after three weeks, my feeling of sexual arousal never fully goes away. Two weeks seems to be the minimum time needed for me to achieve a state of true humility, understanding of my subservient position in my marriage, and docile acceptance of my wife's demands.

Most of all, it teaches me about myself and my relationship with my wife. Here are some of the things that have occurred to me while reflecting on my ongoing chastity:

As a submissive man, I'm sexually very different from a dominant man. A dominant man gets to have an orgasm whenever he wants, pretty much however he wants. I must wait patiently for weeks, perhaps a month or more, for my wife to feel that I have pleased her sufficiently (both in bed and in our marriage).

When expressing anger or aggressiveness, I feel like I'm an actor playing a part. Society expects me to behave a certain way as a male (in our current age, that includes behaving quite badly). Although I don't want to be aggressive or arrogant, I have internalized the messages of society that say I should be that way. Being submissive and chaste make me realize how terrible it is to be aggressive and arrogant, and how rewarding it is to be kind, adaptable, accommodating, and gentle.

Any acknowledgement of my submissive role creates a reaction like a drug for me. And the more I have, the more I want. It's also very easy to be desensitized. This is why submissives of any gender can be so annoying to vanilla partners--we sometimes pester them for any little response we can get out of them. Submissives (at least this one) tend to dwell on things. The best thing for me to do with all that pent up thinking is to use it to make sure that when my wife tells me something, she only has to tell me once, and then I have learned it and she doesn't have to remind me.

(Apologies if this is a sloppy post--I just had this idea and wanted to get it posted while it was fresh in my mind.)

I'd be curious to know what other submissive men have learned from their time in chastity.

Overcoming Submissive Burnout

I should be cleaning the kitchen right now. But I'm writing on the internet instead.

Apparently I'm just burned out this week. It sometimes feels like all I do is clean and do dishes and run errands and go to work. My wife recognizes this, and isn't backing off. Instead, she's pressuring me to get back to work. She keeps up her high standards of obedience and service, regardless of what kind of mood I'm in. I recognize that this is incredibly important, and is a large part of why our D/s dynamic is so persistent.

But that doesn't change the fact that I'm tired! Part of me wants to steal the remote, put my feet up, grab a beer, and watch TV. I think it's times like these when D/s dynamics break down for some couples. There are always a few days or a week at a time every so often where things are just tough.

But I need to remember that I'm not taking on more responsibilities than my wife. I'm not working harder than her, we're just doing different things. She's just as tired as I am, and having a whining husband who shirks his responsibilities is the last thing she needs.

As a subservient husband, I have taken on all of the domestic duties because that frees my wife to take on more important responsibilities. While I'm cleaning and shopping, she's doing the extra work she needs to do at her high-powered job to keep up with her coworkers. While I'm doing the laundry and paying the bills, she's tracking our spending and updating our financial plan.

When submissive husbands take on household tasks, it's so that their wives can do more important things (even if those things occasionally include sleeping in or watching a movie). My wife is already working harder than me, on more important things. If I slack off on cleaning the kitchen, what does that say about my worth as a husband?

So on that note, I'm going to go take a deep breath, get a drink of water, and get back to cleaning the kitchen.

Acknowledging My Submissive Role

I read a great post recently about formalizing a man's role as a homemaker in a female-led household, and left a comment about this past Christmas, when my in-laws gave a beautiful pair of tall black riding boots to my wife and a new vacuum cleaner to me.

Nancy had a great response, pointing out that my in-laws clearly understand my subservient role. That's a point that I hadn't ever considered, since my wife and I have for so long taken it for granted that I was to be submissive to her.

With that in mind, I thought I would explain how I think our families perceive our female-led marriage. I'm not an expert on any of this, but perhaps other D/s couples will find it useful.

Both her parents/siblings and mine see me as extremely helpful, thoughtful, and deferential toward my wife. They know we are always in agreement, and that my wife is the primary decision maker. They know I go out of my way to provide for her needs. They know we have a very happy marriage.

In short, I think they think I'm a helpful, agreeable husband who puts his wife first because he's a loving guy. I don't think they perceive that ours is a fully female-led relationship. I don't think they recognize that I can be punished for not doing my chores or being disrespectful. I'm confident that they see me as chivalrous and hardworking (which I like to think I am), but I don't think they see that my role in this marriage is to be obedient, docile, and subservient to my wife.

This is exactly how we would like to be perceived. We don't want to lie about the fact that my wife is in charge, because we think it's completely natural and want it to be seen that way.  We're glad that female-led relationships are increasingly common, but at the same time, a "femdom marriage" with all the kinky trappings is still outside the mainstream.

We don't want there to be any inkling that we have taken the principle of female authority as far as we have, because frankly we're not sure they are any more ready for it than the rest of society. And we think the focus should be on how happy we both are, not on what goes on behind closed doors.

I know being "outed" to the family is a big thing for D/s couples (both as fantasy and fear), but my wife and I feel that we have found a balance that is honest and yet not too revealing.

I'm proud to devote so much of myself to my wife. I take major satisfaction in making her happy. Every time I have done something to make her life better, my life is better. That's the big message to be had from our marriage, and that's the one we aim to show people.

*As a side note, I have made some alterations to the sidebar to make it easier to find the "follow" and RSS features. Feel free to use them if you'd like to keep track of this blog.

Femdom Imagery

There's an intentional lack of imagery on this blog because I find most "femdom" images run counter to everything I believe about women and my role as a submissive male.

Many (most?...ok, probably all) submissives frame their desires through things they learn perusing dark corners of the internet. Males tend to be turned on by visuals, so it makes sense that submissive men would learn a lot about submitting to women through these images.

The problem for me is that so much femdom imagery is about what the male gets out of it. "Forced" feminized men in chastity. Latex-clad women wielding strapons and looking very stern. Grammatically incorrect captions. It's all about giving the submissive man a rush. It's about putting submissive men first.

Femdom images inspire me to a greater level of submission to my wife, and to be more focused on my wife's needs, sexual and otherwise. They're not so I can imagine how hot it would be if my wife wore a dominatrix costume. 

That doesn't mean I'm not inspired by pictures of men being dominated by women. It's that I want the picture to put the female at the center (figuratively if not literally), and to be primarily about her pleasure. 

I don't want the image to be about the fact that the man is being dominated. I want it to be about the fact that a woman with a submissive male is receiving greater pleasure and satisfaction (sexually or otherwise) than she would from a non-submissive male. The male's self-sacrifice shouldn't be a part of it. It should be assumed, and out of the way.

And these images are important, so I'm going to try to collect them and add some to the blog. To do that, there's only one place to go. 

That's right--I've gotten myself a Tumblr.

You can check out the visual side of my submissive self at lovecherishobey.tumblr.com.

And I would be negligent not to point you to the best example of the genre I have found so far, alternativefemdom.tumblr.com. 

I wish this were a bigger piece of the femdom world, and I'd appreciate it if any of you could point me to more of the same. I think most porn makes women into objects, and makes men think the rules are different from how they really are. But I don't think all erotic images (OK, porn) are like that--I think it's possible for images to encourage internet-dwelling males to see women not just as people, but as people who can be happier and stronger if we love and support them, rather than seeing them as tools to achieve orgasm with.

And now that I have waded into that arena, I'm going to sign off, because the laundry is nearly done, and there is much folding to do before my wife arrives home.

Consciously Choosing Submissiveness

As my wife and I have progressed in our female-led marriage, she has repeatedly pointed out my habit of attempting to be bossy. I'll actually say things like "you can...,""you could...," "would you like...," and even "would you mind..."to my wife.

Any submissive, obedient husband should obviously avoid saying anything remotely like this, but I have been slow to unlearn this unfortunate vanilla habit.

Being manipulative like this is wrong for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that she doesn't need my permission for anything. The second, and more difficult, is that I shouldn't ask my wife what she wants done because I should know what I need to do. If she needs something, she'll tell me. But if I go around asking if I should do this or that, I'm setting the agenda. This is bad. The key to our female-led relationship is that my wife is setting the agenda.

Submissiveness does not mean constantly asking my wife if she wants me to do something for her. Submissiveness means doing whatever my wife asks when she asks. If my wife doesn't want me to do something for her at that moment, the submissive thing to do is keep my mouth shut. My chore list is long enough that I probably have something on it that needs doing.

If we're in bed, being submissive does not mean asking if she wants me to do submissive-y things to her. It means waiting for her to tell me what to do. If she wants me to do something, she'll let me know (verbally or otherwise). If she doesn't tell me to do something sexual, guess what? She doesn't want sex.

Why do I say such bossy, manipulative things to my dominant wife? I think it's because I want her to know that I'm willing to be of service in a certain way. But she already knows that. That's why she gets coffee in bed most mornings.

I need to consciously choose to be submissive when things don't go my way. I need to accept occasional disappointment in those times where her desires don't match up to my own.

As a side note, my wife recently allowed me to have an orgasm after five weeks of denial. I didn't last very long, which prompted some humiliating (but true) comments from her, and am now a week into another phase of chastity. She will not tell me how long I am going for now, although I suspect she has given up giving me orgasms for Lent.

Gender Roles in a Female-Led Relationship

I was recently thinking about what makes a female-led relationship work so well for my wife and I, and I had a thought which I must share with the internet.

Neither my wife nor I fit very well into the gender roles western society has assigned us. I think that a female-led relationship has allowed both of us to fit into roles that better reflect our strengths and interests.

I won't discuss any real-world details of my wife or I beyond saying that we both have completed graduate school (which is not at all unusual in our town), and we both truly love what we do at work, but I think that our educations and professions are relevant to this discussion. Let me put it this way--if you took my name off of my resume, I think nearly everyone would immediately assume it was the resume of a female. If you took my wife's name off of her resume, I think everyone would assume it was the resume of a male.

Look at our friends, both in real life and online: I have always gravitated toward female company, while my wife prefers socializing with guys (we have not discussed cuckolding in great depth at this point). 

During the Super Bowl last Sunday, my wife spent considerable time yelling at the television set by way of providing suggestions for one of the teams and vehement condemnation of every aspect of the other team's play, appearance, and existence. I was cleaning the kitchen and watching the commercials. Similarly, the return of the NHL this season has made life more exciting for one of us than the other.

By taking on the authority in our marriage, my wife has assumed a role that's comfortable for her and that fits her personality. Taking on a submissive role has made far less anxious, even as my once-abundant free time has been taken over by cleaning, shopping, cooking, and doing whatever my wife tells me to do. 

Having a clean home, good meals, and a free-time schedule centered on my wife's interests has made us both extremely happy. 

I don't think that femininity automatically corresponds to submissiveness, nor that masculinity corresponds to dominance. But for a male whose personality tends toward the feminine side of the spectrum, being more submissive is reassuring and comforting. And for a female who displays masculine personality traits, being dominant is exciting and empowering.

I'm curious to see how our female-led dynamic will impact our gender roles in the future. My wife has mentioned that more extensive grooming, a more intensive exercise and diet regimen, and a re-thinking of my wardrobe to include more color and better fit would be appropriate. It's not my choice one way or another, so I don't need to worry about it, but I think that exploring how my submissiveness relates to the feminine aspects of my personality would be interesting.

My First Month Without an Orgasm

Today marks one month since the last time my wife allowed me to have an orgasm. Over the past month, I have become convinced of the benefits of chastity for both my relationship with my wife and for myself personally. I know that male chastity is assumed in nearly every female-led relationship, but since my wife and I have a slightly different dynamic, I thought I'd add my perspective on the past month.

I think the most surprising thing is much chastity impacts parts of my life that aren't sexual.

Chastity makes me more attentive to my wife and makes serving her personally enjoyable. It heightens the sense of satisfaction I get from making her happy, and the sense of comfort I feel from having my submissiveness acknowledged.

Chastity changes the way I physically interact with my wife. After a week or so without orgasm, I gain much more pleasure from cuddling with my wife, holding her hand, and giving her hugs. It's an emotional, rather than sexual, pleasure.

Chastity makes it hard to walk around town, with all the attractive women everywhere. After the first week or so, I don't actually get hard from looking at them. I feel it deeper in my body--I would describe it as profound frustration, and a sense of longing.

I thought that chastity would mean that I get hard all the time, and that this would be annoying. I would have thought that just seeing a hot girl in real life, or a naked girl on the internet, would mean I instantly got hard. For the first week or so, however, nothing changed about how often I got hard. Then, after the second week, I found that I get hard even less often than I did before. It seems that my body is getting used to going without physical pleasure, and I instead seek out emotional pleasures and experiences--hence the cuddling, great sexual attention paid to my wife, and general feelings of increased romantic love.

This brings me to the way my wife and I approach chastity differently. I do not use a chastity device. My wife has instructed me to cease playing with myself, and to give control over my orgasms to her when we are together. My wife doesn't like chastity devices--she likes to be able to reach over and tease me, and likes the fact that I have to use my willpower to stay chaste. I originally began by asking if we could use a chastity device, since I like overt reminders of my submissiveness, but my wife refused.

As far as she's concerned, a clean house is overt enough.

I don't know when I'll be allowed an orgasm. She has indicated that she has decided on a schedule, either based on time or a ratio based on the number of orgasms I give her. Every time I am disobedient in some way, that time is extended. So I have no idea how close I am to my next orgasm. I like the impact that chastity has on me, and I like the uncertainty, so we'll see what happens.

Raising Expectations

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Clean Now, Blog Later

I had planned to write a long blog entry today, but I was too busy driving, shopping, cleaning, and running errands for my wife to do so. So I have a clean home, a very happy wife, and a neglected blog.  I spent nearly four hours cleaning this afternoon, but the tone of appreciation in my wife's voice when she remarked how clean it was made me happy. It was four hours of work for five seconds of appreciation, but it was worth it.

I'll try to get an early start tomorrow so I have time to post.

Being Submissive in Public

Being submissive and obedient to my wife is easier at home than it is in public. Unfortunately, it recently seems like I'm only capable of the easiest kinds of submission. For some reason, my submissive impulse is dulled when I'm in public with my wife. This weekend I was told quite clearly by my wife that my lack of submissiveness and disobedience when in public was unacceptable, and I was punished accordingly. My wife dislikes punishing me, so any punishment I receive comes with the added shame of the fact that she only punishes me for my most epic failures. There's no excuse for disobeying my wife's wishes in public. There's no excuse for not anticipating my wife's wishes and following them automatically and wordlessly. I often feel reluctant to be submissive when I'm in public around other people, because I'm ashamed to be seen as weaker, softer, or more sensitive. But I am. I shouldn't be ashamed of my submissiveness. I walk around feeling as proud to serve and obey my wife as I do at home. So why is it so hard for me? Part of it is consciously reminding myself to be submissive. A reminder would be great, like a necklace, bracelet, or ring that would serve as a "vanilla" collar. Part of it is being more submissive in my thoughts at home. The reality of public submission is that submissiveness is hardly ever noticeable. It's not like people are going to look at me and say, "he belongs to his wife, what a sissy." It will hardly ever be obvious, and when it is overt, people are just going to think I'm being chivalrous and helpful. As my wife said, being submissive isn't something we play at when we're at home, where I fetch her drinks and give her massages and then we go out and I get to be just another guy. My wife requires that I accept her authority openly and willingly, and she requires it constantly. Not just at home between certain times. On that note, this post too me much longer to write than it should have, and now I need to go get the house ready for my wife's return from work.

Developing Submissive Habits

So, I'm a submissive person by nature, both sexually and emotionally. Putting my wife's happiness first makes me happier than if I put my own happiness first (believe me, I tried). Submission to her satisfies me and fills me with a sense of personal fulfillment and accomplishment. I have known this about myself and have accepted and embraced my submissiveness since I was a teenager. Naturally, then, you would be forgiven for thinking that I would be great at behaving submissively toward my wife.

If only.

In truth, I do a terrible job of consistently being submissive. I have thought of many reasons why this may be, but they're all just excuses. My wife and I have found that we will both be happier and more fulfilled in our relationship if I am better able to submit to her authority. So I am actively developing habits that better fit with my submissive personality and role in my marriage.

Ask for help when I need it.

When I don't know the answer to something, I get anxious. It's uncomfortable to admit that you don't know something. So like most men, I try to BS my way through things. I'm very good at it, except with my wife. She sees right through it. She, for her part, loves having the answers. When I don't know something, the best thing for both of us it to submissively admit it to myself and my wife. She truly enjoys guiding and helping me, and get to stop pretending.

Listen extremely closely and remember subtle things.

A big part of service is in remembering someone's preferences, and storing someone's suggestions (when they don't realize you're keeping track) is a great way to come up with great ideas for gifts and surprises. And my wife loves gifts and surprises. Think of the waitstaff at an excellent restaurant or hotel. They notice the extremely little things and act on them to make your experience amazing. I should be trying to do the same for my wife.

As a corollary, do things without being told twice.

My telling her that I'm going to do something counts as me being told. If I'm supposed to get it done, it gets done without a reminder. If not, my wife can't count on me. And that's truly emasculating.

Keep my opinions to myself unless she asks.

It's not that she doesn't care what I think, but I need to do a better job of seeing things with empathy and understanding, rather than constantly passing judgment. My wife's point of view is one I should be acquainting myself with on a much more consistent basis.

I'll try to track how much I improve on these four things, in both quantity and quality. I know there are a lot of submissive spouses, male and female, out there who do a much better job than me on these things. I have turned on the comments feature, so any ideas or suggestions you have would be hugely appreciated.

Hello

I'm not exactly sure where I got the idea that writing about all this on the internet was such a good idea. But here goes.

I am, by nature, a submissive person. I knew from a young age that I wasn't as aggressive as my friends, and I liked being helpful and avoiding conflict. When I started dating, I realized I preferred to take a submissive role in relationships and sex. To this day, I work in a profession where caring and empathy are essential skills.

My wife is not a submissive person. She knows what she wants. She is ambitious, talented, and extremely intelligent. She is a bit of a brat. She likes having all the answers, and being the best at whatever she does. When she started dating, she quickly found that her ideal boyfriend was one who would make her feel like a princess.

The dominant/submissive dynamic has been a key part of our relationship. We knew vaguely what was happening between us, and over the years came to better understand it. We recognized it, talked about it, and read about it on the internet. I hope others will read this blog and will be better able to understand how a dominant/submissive dynamic might be happening in their own lives.

As time has passed, we have grown and developed in our dynamic. My wife is now the leader of our relationship, meaning that I submit to her authority unless specifically told to do otherwise. I'll discuss exactly what that looks like in a later post. She has held final authority over large decisions that normally couples would share, such as what part of the country we live in, whether and where I attend graduate school, and what career I will pursue when I am done with school.

Each time she has exercised this authority, I have become more satisfied with our relationship, because by bending to her will, I have created harmony and agreement in our relationship. These things are more important to us than whether I get into the very fanciest grad school.

I think my main goal with this blog is for others to see how this dynamic works in a real-life relationship. Some of it is definitely about sex (awesome sex, btw), some of it is about kink and bdsm, but quite a lot of it is about everyday life.

I have lots of things in mind to write about. Although I'm just getting started, I would love to hear your thoughts. I'm also happy to answer any questions you have about my experience as a submissive, obedient husband. I can be reached at lovecherishobey@gmail.com.