A Humble Update From a Humiliated Husband

Hello everyone, thanks to all of you who have visited this blog over my long absence.

The reason for my absence is that I was disobedient and was punished severely by my wife. I neglected to perform some of my assigned duties, and when my wife questioned my ability to perform them sufficiently, the tone of my reply was disrespectful.

In most marriages this would have been one of many minor incidents, but in my marriage, disrespect toward my wife is unacceptable. It seems so petty now, and I can only tell you how many times I wish I could have taken back what I said.

She issued me three punishments:

First, I must not post to my blog for six months, or communicate with other bloggers (but I have been able to read--so much to talk about!)

Second, I must lose fifteen pounds in six months (I'm already a recreational runner so this was difficult, but not as difficult as the third, which was...)

Third, no sex for six months.

For the last six months, I have been allowed occasionally to play with myself (sometimes with an orgasm, sometimes not), but my service to my wife has consisted only of oral sex or holding her while she played with herself. At the beginning of my six-month sentence she purchased an excellent new vibrator. One unintended negative consequence of my punishment is that this vibrator has proven far more satisfying for her than I have in the past, and she enjoys watching me get hard, comparing my size to the vibrator (not favorably, alas), and then having me hold and caress her while she slowly reaches orgasm.

During these sessions she occasionally asks me about what I have learned during my punishment. I haven't learned anything new, but I have internalized my submissiveness and subservience to my wife. She often allows me to say nothing at all.

The prohibition from blogging was because my wife didn't want me going on the internet feeling all sorry for myself. Because my six months is nearly up (in two weeks--I'm counting), she permitted me to explain what happened and to share what the consequences were.

Since then, we're "back to normal," except there is no expectation of sex. This arrangement works for her, and I have accepted it.

Most of all, I feel ashamed. Here I am, writing for everyone to see about the joys of surrendering to my wife. Our relationship and marriage has never been better than over the past six months, but all the time I am aware that I have behaved badly.

Part of it is the sexual denial, the fact that she just watches me play with myself on command, standing with her arms crossed waiting for me, when she thinks it has been long enough. My record was extended at one point to seven weeks. Twice, she ordered me to go from flaccid to ejaculation as quickly as possible, which leads to a tiny, weak little orgasm. I don't want to go into too much detail since I like to think this isn't that kind of blog, but she has found this approach to be amusing to her.

But the major thing that strikes me is that she has followed through with it without saying a word. She said this is what would happen, and it has. Mentioning sex brings a derisive laugh. We both know I'm not getting any. There's no questioning. It's happening, and it's my fault. Every time I am denied, I think back to our one fight--a minor fight, but completely unacceptable. What she said would happen, did happen, 100%.

I can only imagine what kind of punishment I would get if I acted like any old husband. Want to go hang out with my friends and drink beer and watch football? She might pull a muscle laughing at me if I asked that. Last weekend I followed her around our local outlet shopping mall for five hours, holding her bags. She let me buy a couple of things, but everyone knew what was going on. At most stores, she brought her things to the counter and left to go relax outside while I paid and took her bags. This wasn't lost on any of the people at the checkouts, and I'm very appreciative that none of them mentioned it.

But that shopping trip was wonderful for both of us. She looks beautiful in her new clothes. The items I was allowed to buy were underwear that, let's just say, most men would not be proud to wear. But she likes me wearing them, so I will, in all their neon glory. And when I do, I feel quite humiliated, but I do feel appreciative for my wife for putting me in my place.

This punishment has caused me to lose some of the sense of femininity I had been cultivating. I am finding that I identify with the feminine when I am feeling confident, optimistic and in control of myself. My humbling and humilation over the past few months has caused those feelings to subside.

I am returning to the blog somewhat early so that my explanation is posted in advance. She specifically requested that I state what caused my punishment, and what my punishment was.

Several people had started following me before my disgrace, and I appreciate your readership. My hope is that my posting will continue soon (possibly a little early since I have lost a lot of weight), and I hope to start connecting more with you soon.

If my lack of updates caused you to stop following, I truly apologize and hope you'll see fit to follow me again soon. If you know of someone who stopped following, please spread the word of what has happened. (I'm flattering myself here, I know, but I do feel badly that I caused this.)

I will be returning to my gmail as well, so if you would like to reach out privately, please do so. Just please be gentle--these last few months have been hard enough on my as it is.

Some Thoughts on Chastity

It has been nearly three full weeks since I last had an orgasm, and unless my wife lets me have an orgasm this weekend (unlikely), this will be the longest I have gone without orgasm in quite some time.

As I mentioned before, my wife does not allow me to wear a chastity device, for two reasons. First, she wants me to remain chaste using only my willpower. She believes that forcing me to own my chastity and take responsibility for my behavior will make me more submissive. I certainly think it has. Second, she wants to be able to touch me and tease me whenever she wants.

She has put me in the habit of not playing with myself, to the extent that it feels strange to do so when she tells me to tease myself. But after three weeks, my feeling of sexual arousal never fully goes away. Two weeks seems to be the minimum time needed for me to achieve a state of true humility, understanding of my subservient position in my marriage, and docile acceptance of my wife's demands.

Most of all, it teaches me about myself and my relationship with my wife. Here are some of the things that have occurred to me while reflecting on my ongoing chastity:

As a submissive man, I'm sexually very different from a dominant man. A dominant man gets to have an orgasm whenever he wants, pretty much however he wants. I must wait patiently for weeks, perhaps a month or more, for my wife to feel that I have pleased her sufficiently (both in bed and in our marriage).

When expressing anger or aggressiveness, I feel like I'm an actor playing a part. Society expects me to behave a certain way as a male (in our current age, that includes behaving quite badly). Although I don't want to be aggressive or arrogant, I have internalized the messages of society that say I should be that way. Being submissive and chaste make me realize how terrible it is to be aggressive and arrogant, and how rewarding it is to be kind, adaptable, accommodating, and gentle.

Any acknowledgement of my submissive role creates a reaction like a drug for me. And the more I have, the more I want. It's also very easy to be desensitized. This is why submissives of any gender can be so annoying to vanilla partners--we sometimes pester them for any little response we can get out of them. Submissives (at least this one) tend to dwell on things. The best thing for me to do with all that pent up thinking is to use it to make sure that when my wife tells me something, she only has to tell me once, and then I have learned it and she doesn't have to remind me.

(Apologies if this is a sloppy post--I just had this idea and wanted to get it posted while it was fresh in my mind.)

I'd be curious to know what other submissive men have learned from their time in chastity.

Acknowledging My Submissive Role

I read a great post recently about formalizing a man's role as a homemaker in a female-led household, and left a comment about this past Christmas, when my in-laws gave a beautiful pair of tall black riding boots to my wife and a new vacuum cleaner to me.

Nancy had a great response, pointing out that my in-laws clearly understand my subservient role. That's a point that I hadn't ever considered, since my wife and I have for so long taken it for granted that I was to be submissive to her.

With that in mind, I thought I would explain how I think our families perceive our female-led marriage. I'm not an expert on any of this, but perhaps other D/s couples will find it useful.

Both her parents/siblings and mine see me as extremely helpful, thoughtful, and deferential toward my wife. They know we are always in agreement, and that my wife is the primary decision maker. They know I go out of my way to provide for her needs. They know we have a very happy marriage.

In short, I think they think I'm a helpful, agreeable husband who puts his wife first because he's a loving guy. I don't think they perceive that ours is a fully female-led relationship. I don't think they recognize that I can be punished for not doing my chores or being disrespectful. I'm confident that they see me as chivalrous and hardworking (which I like to think I am), but I don't think they see that my role in this marriage is to be obedient, docile, and subservient to my wife.

This is exactly how we would like to be perceived. We don't want to lie about the fact that my wife is in charge, because we think it's completely natural and want it to be seen that way.  We're glad that female-led relationships are increasingly common, but at the same time, a "femdom marriage" with all the kinky trappings is still outside the mainstream.

We don't want there to be any inkling that we have taken the principle of female authority as far as we have, because frankly we're not sure they are any more ready for it than the rest of society. And we think the focus should be on how happy we both are, not on what goes on behind closed doors.

I know being "outed" to the family is a big thing for D/s couples (both as fantasy and fear), but my wife and I feel that we have found a balance that is honest and yet not too revealing.

I'm proud to devote so much of myself to my wife. I take major satisfaction in making her happy. Every time I have done something to make her life better, my life is better. That's the big message to be had from our marriage, and that's the one we aim to show people.

*As a side note, I have made some alterations to the sidebar to make it easier to find the "follow" and RSS features. Feel free to use them if you'd like to keep track of this blog.

Femdom Imagery

There's an intentional lack of imagery on this blog because I find most "femdom" images run counter to everything I believe about women and my role as a submissive male.

Many (most?...ok, probably all) submissives frame their desires through things they learn perusing dark corners of the internet. Males tend to be turned on by visuals, so it makes sense that submissive men would learn a lot about submitting to women through these images.

The problem for me is that so much femdom imagery is about what the male gets out of it. "Forced" feminized men in chastity. Latex-clad women wielding strapons and looking very stern. Grammatically incorrect captions. It's all about giving the submissive man a rush. It's about putting submissive men first.

Femdom images inspire me to a greater level of submission to my wife, and to be more focused on my wife's needs, sexual and otherwise. They're not so I can imagine how hot it would be if my wife wore a dominatrix costume. 

That doesn't mean I'm not inspired by pictures of men being dominated by women. It's that I want the picture to put the female at the center (figuratively if not literally), and to be primarily about her pleasure. 

I don't want the image to be about the fact that the man is being dominated. I want it to be about the fact that a woman with a submissive male is receiving greater pleasure and satisfaction (sexually or otherwise) than she would from a non-submissive male. The male's self-sacrifice shouldn't be a part of it. It should be assumed, and out of the way.

And these images are important, so I'm going to try to collect them and add some to the blog. To do that, there's only one place to go. 

That's right--I've gotten myself a Tumblr.

You can check out the visual side of my submissive self at lovecherishobey.tumblr.com.

And I would be negligent not to point you to the best example of the genre I have found so far, alternativefemdom.tumblr.com. 

I wish this were a bigger piece of the femdom world, and I'd appreciate it if any of you could point me to more of the same. I think most porn makes women into objects, and makes men think the rules are different from how they really are. But I don't think all erotic images (OK, porn) are like that--I think it's possible for images to encourage internet-dwelling males to see women not just as people, but as people who can be happier and stronger if we love and support them, rather than seeing them as tools to achieve orgasm with.

And now that I have waded into that arena, I'm going to sign off, because the laundry is nearly done, and there is much folding to do before my wife arrives home.

Consciously Choosing Submissiveness

As my wife and I have progressed in our female-led marriage, she has repeatedly pointed out my habit of attempting to be bossy. I'll actually say things like "you can...,""you could...," "would you like...," and even "would you mind..."to my wife.

Any submissive, obedient husband should obviously avoid saying anything remotely like this, but I have been slow to unlearn this unfortunate vanilla habit.

Being manipulative like this is wrong for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that she doesn't need my permission for anything. The second, and more difficult, is that I shouldn't ask my wife what she wants done because I should know what I need to do. If she needs something, she'll tell me. But if I go around asking if I should do this or that, I'm setting the agenda. This is bad. The key to our female-led relationship is that my wife is setting the agenda.

Submissiveness does not mean constantly asking my wife if she wants me to do something for her. Submissiveness means doing whatever my wife asks when she asks. If my wife doesn't want me to do something for her at that moment, the submissive thing to do is keep my mouth shut. My chore list is long enough that I probably have something on it that needs doing.

If we're in bed, being submissive does not mean asking if she wants me to do submissive-y things to her. It means waiting for her to tell me what to do. If she wants me to do something, she'll let me know (verbally or otherwise). If she doesn't tell me to do something sexual, guess what? She doesn't want sex.

Why do I say such bossy, manipulative things to my dominant wife? I think it's because I want her to know that I'm willing to be of service in a certain way. But she already knows that. That's why she gets coffee in bed most mornings.

I need to consciously choose to be submissive when things don't go my way. I need to accept occasional disappointment in those times where her desires don't match up to my own.

As a side note, my wife recently allowed me to have an orgasm after five weeks of denial. I didn't last very long, which prompted some humiliating (but true) comments from her, and am now a week into another phase of chastity. She will not tell me how long I am going for now, although I suspect she has given up giving me orgasms for Lent.

Gender Roles in a Female-Led Relationship

I was recently thinking about what makes a female-led relationship work so well for my wife and I, and I had a thought which I must share with the internet.

Neither my wife nor I fit very well into the gender roles western society has assigned us. I think that a female-led relationship has allowed both of us to fit into roles that better reflect our strengths and interests.

I won't discuss any real-world details of my wife or I beyond saying that we both have completed graduate school (which is not at all unusual in our town), and we both truly love what we do at work, but I think that our educations and professions are relevant to this discussion. Let me put it this way--if you took my name off of my resume, I think nearly everyone would immediately assume it was the resume of a female. If you took my wife's name off of her resume, I think everyone would assume it was the resume of a male.

Look at our friends, both in real life and online: I have always gravitated toward female company, while my wife prefers socializing with guys (we have not discussed cuckolding in great depth at this point). 

During the Super Bowl last Sunday, my wife spent considerable time yelling at the television set by way of providing suggestions for one of the teams and vehement condemnation of every aspect of the other team's play, appearance, and existence. I was cleaning the kitchen and watching the commercials. Similarly, the return of the NHL this season has made life more exciting for one of us than the other.

By taking on the authority in our marriage, my wife has assumed a role that's comfortable for her and that fits her personality. Taking on a submissive role has made far less anxious, even as my once-abundant free time has been taken over by cleaning, shopping, cooking, and doing whatever my wife tells me to do. 

Having a clean home, good meals, and a free-time schedule centered on my wife's interests has made us both extremely happy. 

I don't think that femininity automatically corresponds to submissiveness, nor that masculinity corresponds to dominance. But for a male whose personality tends toward the feminine side of the spectrum, being more submissive is reassuring and comforting. And for a female who displays masculine personality traits, being dominant is exciting and empowering.

I'm curious to see how our female-led dynamic will impact our gender roles in the future. My wife has mentioned that more extensive grooming, a more intensive exercise and diet regimen, and a re-thinking of my wardrobe to include more color and better fit would be appropriate. It's not my choice one way or another, so I don't need to worry about it, but I think that exploring how my submissiveness relates to the feminine aspects of my personality would be interesting.

My First Month Without an Orgasm

Today marks one month since the last time my wife allowed me to have an orgasm. Over the past month, I have become convinced of the benefits of chastity for both my relationship with my wife and for myself personally. I know that male chastity is assumed in nearly every female-led relationship, but since my wife and I have a slightly different dynamic, I thought I'd add my perspective on the past month.

I think the most surprising thing is much chastity impacts parts of my life that aren't sexual.

Chastity makes me more attentive to my wife and makes serving her personally enjoyable. It heightens the sense of satisfaction I get from making her happy, and the sense of comfort I feel from having my submissiveness acknowledged.

Chastity changes the way I physically interact with my wife. After a week or so without orgasm, I gain much more pleasure from cuddling with my wife, holding her hand, and giving her hugs. It's an emotional, rather than sexual, pleasure.

Chastity makes it hard to walk around town, with all the attractive women everywhere. After the first week or so, I don't actually get hard from looking at them. I feel it deeper in my body--I would describe it as profound frustration, and a sense of longing.

I thought that chastity would mean that I get hard all the time, and that this would be annoying. I would have thought that just seeing a hot girl in real life, or a naked girl on the internet, would mean I instantly got hard. For the first week or so, however, nothing changed about how often I got hard. Then, after the second week, I found that I get hard even less often than I did before. It seems that my body is getting used to going without physical pleasure, and I instead seek out emotional pleasures and experiences--hence the cuddling, great sexual attention paid to my wife, and general feelings of increased romantic love.

This brings me to the way my wife and I approach chastity differently. I do not use a chastity device. My wife has instructed me to cease playing with myself, and to give control over my orgasms to her when we are together. My wife doesn't like chastity devices--she likes to be able to reach over and tease me, and likes the fact that I have to use my willpower to stay chaste. I originally began by asking if we could use a chastity device, since I like overt reminders of my submissiveness, but my wife refused.

As far as she's concerned, a clean house is overt enough.

I don't know when I'll be allowed an orgasm. She has indicated that she has decided on a schedule, either based on time or a ratio based on the number of orgasms I give her. Every time I am disobedient in some way, that time is extended. So I have no idea how close I am to my next orgasm. I like the impact that chastity has on me, and I like the uncertainty, so we'll see what happens.

Raising Expectations

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