When Was Your Last Fight?

Just wanted to share a quick thought. One of the most significant differences between my Female-led marriage and the marriages of other friends of mine is that there's a lot less friction.

My wife and I just don't fight. It's not that she wins all the fights because she's the boss, it's that by following her leadership, our priorities are aligned such that we don't come into conflict that much. When we do, she has the final word, and that's it. We both want the same things and work to get them.

I'm also not talking about right vs. wrong.  If it's a question of right vs. wrong, then that must mean it's objective in nature, and then it's a matter of finding out the objectively correct answer.

The only area of conflict early on was that sometimes I have a legitimate issue that she doesn't want to address for some reason or another. From this, I learned that there are good and bad times to bring things up. I need to be ready far in advance to discuss things at the right time. You need to be more organized and make sure you're prioritizing things properly.

I'm sure it's different for every couple, but that's one thing that my wife and I have noticed. I'm curious if this is a common feature of D/s relationships.

Some Thoughts on Chastity

It has been nearly three full weeks since I last had an orgasm, and unless my wife lets me have an orgasm this weekend (unlikely), this will be the longest I have gone without orgasm in quite some time.

As I mentioned before, my wife does not allow me to wear a chastity device, for two reasons. First, she wants me to remain chaste using only my willpower. She believes that forcing me to own my chastity and take responsibility for my behavior will make me more submissive. I certainly think it has. Second, she wants to be able to touch me and tease me whenever she wants.

She has put me in the habit of not playing with myself, to the extent that it feels strange to do so when she tells me to tease myself. But after three weeks, my feeling of sexual arousal never fully goes away. Two weeks seems to be the minimum time needed for me to achieve a state of true humility, understanding of my subservient position in my marriage, and docile acceptance of my wife's demands.

Most of all, it teaches me about myself and my relationship with my wife. Here are some of the things that have occurred to me while reflecting on my ongoing chastity:

As a submissive man, I'm sexually very different from a dominant man. A dominant man gets to have an orgasm whenever he wants, pretty much however he wants. I must wait patiently for weeks, perhaps a month or more, for my wife to feel that I have pleased her sufficiently (both in bed and in our marriage).

When expressing anger or aggressiveness, I feel like I'm an actor playing a part. Society expects me to behave a certain way as a male (in our current age, that includes behaving quite badly). Although I don't want to be aggressive or arrogant, I have internalized the messages of society that say I should be that way. Being submissive and chaste make me realize how terrible it is to be aggressive and arrogant, and how rewarding it is to be kind, adaptable, accommodating, and gentle.

Any acknowledgement of my submissive role creates a reaction like a drug for me. And the more I have, the more I want. It's also very easy to be desensitized. This is why submissives of any gender can be so annoying to vanilla partners--we sometimes pester them for any little response we can get out of them. Submissives (at least this one) tend to dwell on things. The best thing for me to do with all that pent up thinking is to use it to make sure that when my wife tells me something, she only has to tell me once, and then I have learned it and she doesn't have to remind me.

(Apologies if this is a sloppy post--I just had this idea and wanted to get it posted while it was fresh in my mind.)

I'd be curious to know what other submissive men have learned from their time in chastity.

Becoming a Househusband?

My wife and I know two families in which the wives are breadwinners and the men are househusbands. These are highly-functioning families where mom, dad, and kids are as happy as a modern family can be. It's clear to me that becoming a househusband may be a great idea for many men.


It's a fact that women outperform men in education and that traditionally low-skill, male-oriented occupations are being automated or outsourced in favor of fields that highly value skills that women offer as much or more than men. This means that there are more and more marriages where it makes sense for the husband to stay home and for the wife to be the breadwinner.

In low-cost areas where one income is sufficient, the woman will have increasing earning power. In more expensive areas, the insane cost of childcare alone may make it preferable for the husband to stay home even if he earns $50,000 per year ($50K equates to about $40K in take home pay, which is about $3,300 a month. Child care for two children can run over $3,500 a month. )

So in many cases, the most rational decision will be for the husband to stay at home. But how many will actually do so?

First, men must accept that being a homemaker is an important job, and they should be proud of it. Men are just as capable as women are of caring for children, and with significant training, can do a good job at taking care of the home. By becoming a househusband, they will be making a rational decision that makes the most sense for their families. What's to be ashamed of?

Second, some househusbands will embrace the subservient role they will be taking on. Others will have to accept it, hopefully with support and direction from their wives. Their wives will control the finances, and will make the most important decisions, such as where they will live, what kind of home and vehicle the family will purchase, and how the children will be educated. The husbands don't have to take all of their orders from their wives, but as they see the wives making the big decisions, they will probably realize it's best to defer to them in all decisions.

Third, and most importantly, husbands must admit the huge benefits their wives would realize. Wives would be free to pursue their careers to the fullest, and would help close the absurdly large gender gap in salary. They would be confident that their children were in safe hands, and can return at the end of the day to a home environment that is welcoming, peaceful, and extremely fulfilling. I would personally love for my wife to tell her coworkers, "my husband stays at home taking care of the house and kids." Many of her male colleagues have housewives, so why not her?

Alas, my salary right now is such that it doesn't make sense for me to become a househusband. While I would relish the role of supporting my wife and spending all day at home with the kids, in the long run I'm more useful at work, collecting a paycheck. This isn't such a bad problem to have, and as childcare becomes an expense for us, this may change. But for now, it looks like I'll be in the workforce.

I just wonder how many men are out there working, when their families would be better off with them at home taking care of things.

Femdom Imagery

There's an intentional lack of imagery on this blog because I find most "femdom" images run counter to everything I believe about women and my role as a submissive male.

Many (most?...ok, probably all) submissives frame their desires through things they learn perusing dark corners of the internet. Males tend to be turned on by visuals, so it makes sense that submissive men would learn a lot about submitting to women through these images.

The problem for me is that so much femdom imagery is about what the male gets out of it. "Forced" feminized men in chastity. Latex-clad women wielding strapons and looking very stern. Grammatically incorrect captions. It's all about giving the submissive man a rush. It's about putting submissive men first.

Femdom images inspire me to a greater level of submission to my wife, and to be more focused on my wife's needs, sexual and otherwise. They're not so I can imagine how hot it would be if my wife wore a dominatrix costume. 

That doesn't mean I'm not inspired by pictures of men being dominated by women. It's that I want the picture to put the female at the center (figuratively if not literally), and to be primarily about her pleasure. 

I don't want the image to be about the fact that the man is being dominated. I want it to be about the fact that a woman with a submissive male is receiving greater pleasure and satisfaction (sexually or otherwise) than she would from a non-submissive male. The male's self-sacrifice shouldn't be a part of it. It should be assumed, and out of the way.

And these images are important, so I'm going to try to collect them and add some to the blog. To do that, there's only one place to go. 

That's right--I've gotten myself a Tumblr.

You can check out the visual side of my submissive self at lovecherishobey.tumblr.com.

And I would be negligent not to point you to the best example of the genre I have found so far, alternativefemdom.tumblr.com. 

I wish this were a bigger piece of the femdom world, and I'd appreciate it if any of you could point me to more of the same. I think most porn makes women into objects, and makes men think the rules are different from how they really are. But I don't think all erotic images (OK, porn) are like that--I think it's possible for images to encourage internet-dwelling males to see women not just as people, but as people who can be happier and stronger if we love and support them, rather than seeing them as tools to achieve orgasm with.

And now that I have waded into that arena, I'm going to sign off, because the laundry is nearly done, and there is much folding to do before my wife arrives home.

Consciously Choosing Submissiveness

As my wife and I have progressed in our female-led marriage, she has repeatedly pointed out my habit of attempting to be bossy. I'll actually say things like "you can...,""you could...," "would you like...," and even "would you mind..."to my wife.

Any submissive, obedient husband should obviously avoid saying anything remotely like this, but I have been slow to unlearn this unfortunate vanilla habit.

Being manipulative like this is wrong for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that she doesn't need my permission for anything. The second, and more difficult, is that I shouldn't ask my wife what she wants done because I should know what I need to do. If she needs something, she'll tell me. But if I go around asking if I should do this or that, I'm setting the agenda. This is bad. The key to our female-led relationship is that my wife is setting the agenda.

Submissiveness does not mean constantly asking my wife if she wants me to do something for her. Submissiveness means doing whatever my wife asks when she asks. If my wife doesn't want me to do something for her at that moment, the submissive thing to do is keep my mouth shut. My chore list is long enough that I probably have something on it that needs doing.

If we're in bed, being submissive does not mean asking if she wants me to do submissive-y things to her. It means waiting for her to tell me what to do. If she wants me to do something, she'll let me know (verbally or otherwise). If she doesn't tell me to do something sexual, guess what? She doesn't want sex.

Why do I say such bossy, manipulative things to my dominant wife? I think it's because I want her to know that I'm willing to be of service in a certain way. But she already knows that. That's why she gets coffee in bed most mornings.

I need to consciously choose to be submissive when things don't go my way. I need to accept occasional disappointment in those times where her desires don't match up to my own.

As a side note, my wife recently allowed me to have an orgasm after five weeks of denial. I didn't last very long, which prompted some humiliating (but true) comments from her, and am now a week into another phase of chastity. She will not tell me how long I am going for now, although I suspect she has given up giving me orgasms for Lent.

Being Submissive in Public

Being submissive and obedient to my wife is easier at home than it is in public. Unfortunately, it recently seems like I'm only capable of the easiest kinds of submission. For some reason, my submissive impulse is dulled when I'm in public with my wife. This weekend I was told quite clearly by my wife that my lack of submissiveness and disobedience when in public was unacceptable, and I was punished accordingly. My wife dislikes punishing me, so any punishment I receive comes with the added shame of the fact that she only punishes me for my most epic failures. There's no excuse for disobeying my wife's wishes in public. There's no excuse for not anticipating my wife's wishes and following them automatically and wordlessly. I often feel reluctant to be submissive when I'm in public around other people, because I'm ashamed to be seen as weaker, softer, or more sensitive. But I am. I shouldn't be ashamed of my submissiveness. I walk around feeling as proud to serve and obey my wife as I do at home. So why is it so hard for me? Part of it is consciously reminding myself to be submissive. A reminder would be great, like a necklace, bracelet, or ring that would serve as a "vanilla" collar. Part of it is being more submissive in my thoughts at home. The reality of public submission is that submissiveness is hardly ever noticeable. It's not like people are going to look at me and say, "he belongs to his wife, what a sissy." It will hardly ever be obvious, and when it is overt, people are just going to think I'm being chivalrous and helpful. As my wife said, being submissive isn't something we play at when we're at home, where I fetch her drinks and give her massages and then we go out and I get to be just another guy. My wife requires that I accept her authority openly and willingly, and she requires it constantly. Not just at home between certain times. On that note, this post too me much longer to write than it should have, and now I need to go get the house ready for my wife's return from work.