Chores and Sex

A study came out last month that was taken by the media to mean several things.

Some headlines interpreted it to mean that women could get more sex by doing more housework, as if a messy house made men want less sex.

But the other implication the media drew was that men who did more "feminine" chores got less sex.

The particular survey in question found that when husbands and wives performed chores that corresponded to gender norms, they had more sex. When husbands performed traditionally female chores, they had less sex.

Now, I hold a graduate degree in one of the social sciences, so without spending too much time talking about the study itself, I would like to propose a theory.

The study's authors pointed out that women in the study reported similar levels of satisfaction with their sex lives regardless of how many chores they did. The authors took this as proof that wives who did more chores weren't adding "sex" to the list of chores they dutifully performed. I think that's a valid conclusion to draw from the data, but I also think the reality is more nuanced than the data suggest.

The study's implication is that women are not as sexually attracted to husbands who don't adhere to traditional gender roles.

My theory is that husbands who did more chores around the house are those who are more attuned to their wives' happiness and desires, and therefore were more likely to conform to their wives' sexual desires.

In other words, I don't think it was the wife saying, "nah, he does too much women's work." I think it was the husbands saying "she must not want any right now, I won't push her."

I think women reported similar levels of satisfaction regardless of how often they had sex because the difference between the two was small, and any difference would probably be eliminated by a higher level of quality among those couples having less sex. After all, if a couple is only having sex when the woman really wants it, she's likely to enjoy it more.

Alas, this is all a little silly, since the survey was 20 years ago, and only looked at heterosexual couples. There are a lot of people and years between then and the world we live in today.

Here's a more in-depth discussion of the study if you're interested. And here's a broader look at other research into the phenomenon in general.

All I know is that my wife is very happy when I take on all the chores. They ought to study that...I bet there are quite a few very happy couples who would be willing to be surveyed.

My Chore List

I think an underrated key to greatness in anything is to always know what you're supposed to be doing without being told. On that note, my wife drew up a chore chart for me. I follow it as best I can each day, and am punished if they are not done at an appropriate time. The list always changes according to her needs, but I am not to alter this list in any way.

This list works because I complete it on my own. My wife does not need to remind me that this list must be completed. A severe punishment would likely accompany any reminder.

I have made this list a little vague in order to a) conceal who we are, and b) make this list more potentially useful to other submissive spouses.

Daily tasks: can be done in under one hour

• Kitchen:
• Dishes rinsed and put in dishwasher
• Dishwasher emptied
• Pots and pans scrubbed and dried by hand, put away
• Counters and stovetop cleaned
• Bedroom:
• Bed made
• Laundry collected
• Laundry done when hamper is full
• Laundry folded and put away when load is complete
• Living room:
• Flat surfaces cleared and wiped down if need be
• Pillows and blankets placed properly
• Remote on table next to wife's spot on the sofa
• Bathroom:
• Sink wiped down
• Shower sprayed
• Toilet wiped down
• Other:
• Check Mint
• Check mail

Weekly tasks: can be done in under three hours (except shopping and errands)

• Kitchen:
• Appliances wiped down
• Fridge cleaned out
• Shopping list made
• Floor cleaned
• Bedroom
• Sheets changed and washed
• Dust
• Vacuum
• Living room
• Dust
• Vacuum
• Wipe down glass coffee table
• Throw away old magazines
• Bathroom:
• Floor cleaned
• Shower scrubbed
• Toilet scrubbed
• Towels washed
• Grocery shopping:
• Assist wife with meal planning
• Go grocery shopping
• Go to farmer's market/liquor store/etc.
• Other errands as necessary:
• Dry cleaning
• Shopping
• Bring car/bikes/skis in for service

Consciously Choosing Submissiveness

As my wife and I have progressed in our female-led marriage, she has repeatedly pointed out my habit of attempting to be bossy. I'll actually say things like "you can...,""you could...," "would you like...," and even "would you mind..."to my wife.

Any submissive, obedient husband should obviously avoid saying anything remotely like this, but I have been slow to unlearn this unfortunate vanilla habit.

Being manipulative like this is wrong for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that she doesn't need my permission for anything. The second, and more difficult, is that I shouldn't ask my wife what she wants done because I should know what I need to do. If she needs something, she'll tell me. But if I go around asking if I should do this or that, I'm setting the agenda. This is bad. The key to our female-led relationship is that my wife is setting the agenda.

Submissiveness does not mean constantly asking my wife if she wants me to do something for her. Submissiveness means doing whatever my wife asks when she asks. If my wife doesn't want me to do something for her at that moment, the submissive thing to do is keep my mouth shut. My chore list is long enough that I probably have something on it that needs doing.

If we're in bed, being submissive does not mean asking if she wants me to do submissive-y things to her. It means waiting for her to tell me what to do. If she wants me to do something, she'll let me know (verbally or otherwise). If she doesn't tell me to do something sexual, guess what? She doesn't want sex.

Why do I say such bossy, manipulative things to my dominant wife? I think it's because I want her to know that I'm willing to be of service in a certain way. But she already knows that. That's why she gets coffee in bed most mornings.

I need to consciously choose to be submissive when things don't go my way. I need to accept occasional disappointment in those times where her desires don't match up to my own.

As a side note, my wife recently allowed me to have an orgasm after five weeks of denial. I didn't last very long, which prompted some humiliating (but true) comments from her, and am now a week into another phase of chastity. She will not tell me how long I am going for now, although I suspect she has given up giving me orgasms for Lent.

Gender Roles in a Female-Led Relationship

I was recently thinking about what makes a female-led relationship work so well for my wife and I, and I had a thought which I must share with the internet.

Neither my wife nor I fit very well into the gender roles western society has assigned us. I think that a female-led relationship has allowed both of us to fit into roles that better reflect our strengths and interests.

I won't discuss any real-world details of my wife or I beyond saying that we both have completed graduate school (which is not at all unusual in our town), and we both truly love what we do at work, but I think that our educations and professions are relevant to this discussion. Let me put it this way--if you took my name off of my resume, I think nearly everyone would immediately assume it was the resume of a female. If you took my wife's name off of her resume, I think everyone would assume it was the resume of a male.

Look at our friends, both in real life and online: I have always gravitated toward female company, while my wife prefers socializing with guys (we have not discussed cuckolding in great depth at this point). 

During the Super Bowl last Sunday, my wife spent considerable time yelling at the television set by way of providing suggestions for one of the teams and vehement condemnation of every aspect of the other team's play, appearance, and existence. I was cleaning the kitchen and watching the commercials. Similarly, the return of the NHL this season has made life more exciting for one of us than the other.

By taking on the authority in our marriage, my wife has assumed a role that's comfortable for her and that fits her personality. Taking on a submissive role has made far less anxious, even as my once-abundant free time has been taken over by cleaning, shopping, cooking, and doing whatever my wife tells me to do. 

Having a clean home, good meals, and a free-time schedule centered on my wife's interests has made us both extremely happy. 

I don't think that femininity automatically corresponds to submissiveness, nor that masculinity corresponds to dominance. But for a male whose personality tends toward the feminine side of the spectrum, being more submissive is reassuring and comforting. And for a female who displays masculine personality traits, being dominant is exciting and empowering.

I'm curious to see how our female-led dynamic will impact our gender roles in the future. My wife has mentioned that more extensive grooming, a more intensive exercise and diet regimen, and a re-thinking of my wardrobe to include more color and better fit would be appropriate. It's not my choice one way or another, so I don't need to worry about it, but I think that exploring how my submissiveness relates to the feminine aspects of my personality would be interesting.

My First Month Without an Orgasm

Today marks one month since the last time my wife allowed me to have an orgasm. Over the past month, I have become convinced of the benefits of chastity for both my relationship with my wife and for myself personally. I know that male chastity is assumed in nearly every female-led relationship, but since my wife and I have a slightly different dynamic, I thought I'd add my perspective on the past month.

I think the most surprising thing is much chastity impacts parts of my life that aren't sexual.

Chastity makes me more attentive to my wife and makes serving her personally enjoyable. It heightens the sense of satisfaction I get from making her happy, and the sense of comfort I feel from having my submissiveness acknowledged.

Chastity changes the way I physically interact with my wife. After a week or so without orgasm, I gain much more pleasure from cuddling with my wife, holding her hand, and giving her hugs. It's an emotional, rather than sexual, pleasure.

Chastity makes it hard to walk around town, with all the attractive women everywhere. After the first week or so, I don't actually get hard from looking at them. I feel it deeper in my body--I would describe it as profound frustration, and a sense of longing.

I thought that chastity would mean that I get hard all the time, and that this would be annoying. I would have thought that just seeing a hot girl in real life, or a naked girl on the internet, would mean I instantly got hard. For the first week or so, however, nothing changed about how often I got hard. Then, after the second week, I found that I get hard even less often than I did before. It seems that my body is getting used to going without physical pleasure, and I instead seek out emotional pleasures and experiences--hence the cuddling, great sexual attention paid to my wife, and general feelings of increased romantic love.

This brings me to the way my wife and I approach chastity differently. I do not use a chastity device. My wife has instructed me to cease playing with myself, and to give control over my orgasms to her when we are together. My wife doesn't like chastity devices--she likes to be able to reach over and tease me, and likes the fact that I have to use my willpower to stay chaste. I originally began by asking if we could use a chastity device, since I like overt reminders of my submissiveness, but my wife refused.

As far as she's concerned, a clean house is overt enough.

I don't know when I'll be allowed an orgasm. She has indicated that she has decided on a schedule, either based on time or a ratio based on the number of orgasms I give her. Every time I am disobedient in some way, that time is extended. So I have no idea how close I am to my next orgasm. I like the impact that chastity has on me, and I like the uncertainty, so we'll see what happens.

A Benevolent Dictatorship

Apart from not updating this blog as I should have done, yesterday was a fairly productive day. My wife stayed home to finish a proposal she is working on, and I did some work related to my graduate program. I spent significant time helping my wife to edit and perfect her proposal.

I had hoped my wife would give me permission to go grocery shopping in the morning, when the store is less crowded, but she did not do so until late in the afternoon. She considered coming along for fun, but decided to send me by myself while she relaxed at home. I have always liked grocery shopping for some reason. It gives me a chance to be analytical and acquisitive, which are two things I can't help but indulge in. I returned home, brought the groceries inside, unpacked, and began preparing dinner.

I put dinner in the oven and sat on the sofa for a short break, where my wife was lounging with the iPad that Santa brought her this year. She saw me put my head back, got up, and straddled me. 

Gripping my head gently but firmly, she looked me in the eye and asked me if she had given me permission to take a break. I had no choice but to reply that she had not, and stopped myself before I started spewing excuses about dinner being in the oven. I simply apologized and said I would get up and begin cleaning up immediately. I said I would not take breaks from cleaning or cooking without permission again.

Then, my wife said something extremely insightful.

She said, "Good. You need to understand that this is a benevolent dictatorship. What you want doesn't matter right now."

As I hurried back to the kitchen to begin cleaning ("cleaning while you cook" is an important principle in our house), I reflected on her words.

My wife really is a benevolent dictator. She's certainly a dictator now, but it's the "benevolent" part that makes female-led relationships (or any full-time power exchange) work. If I spent an evening doing whatever I felt like, I would end the evening feeling bored and empty. I would have watched a lot of TV, surfed a lot of the internet, have had a boring dinner, a dirty kitchen, a messy house, and an unappreciated wife. 

Instead, I spend the evening doing whatever she tells me. As a result we have a delicious dinner every night, the house is always clean, the kitchen almost always sparkles, and my wife feels loved. I don't have the freedom to do what I want, but I'm happier overall as a result.

When my wife commands and I obey, we both end up happier in the long term. I might prefer watching TV to helping my wife edit her writing or cooking dinner for her, but the satisfaction of having treated my wife well and making her happy lasts long after the TV show ends.

I understand that many people wouldn't feel the same way. I think the fact that my wife and I are happier when she commands and I obey means that we have found the right dynamic for us.